By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
