If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
