Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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