Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
