Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
