my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She bit a glass in half.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
