I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
