just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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