you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My dick has a subreddit
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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