alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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