I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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