omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
