you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
