well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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