I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
