u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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