Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
