hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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