woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
