just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
