And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
