I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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