Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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