I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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