you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
