I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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