apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
