I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
