that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
