I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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