You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
