shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
