Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
