we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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