I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
