so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
