bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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