who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
