who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
