So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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