My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
