things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
