My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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