i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I intend to get homeless drunk
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
