I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
