you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
