Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
