zippers are such a cool invention
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
birth control should be required to get into college
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
