Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
