I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
