he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
